i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
