I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
