Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
