if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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