I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
