I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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