Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
