Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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