The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
