if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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