This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She bit a glass in half.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
