We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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