my phone needs a breathalizer
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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