My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She told me I should be a condom model.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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