I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
