Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
