It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
