I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
