I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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