Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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