How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
