I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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