I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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