I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
