We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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