yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
