I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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