At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
