I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
