don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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