I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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