I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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