Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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