I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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