Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
