Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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