when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
