I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i believe in u and ur pee
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