i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's official drugs can't kill me
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
