Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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