Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Randomize
