Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
