i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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