I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
