You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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