Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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