she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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