Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
