He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
