Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
its not stalking. its research.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Randomize
