i jhust puked up my retainher.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
