lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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