i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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